Why Mom Guilt Happens (and the Simple Reframe that Helps)
I used to think that mom guilt was a normal part of motherhood. There was simply no getting around the fact that leaving a sad kid was going to make me feel like the worst mom ever. I even thought that I was SUPPOSED to feel that way, and everything I saw on social media confirmed that.
Eventually moved into thinking that “mom guilt” was simply a social construct. Something that women inherited due to patriarchy yaddi yadda. I thought if guilt is what happens when you act outside of your values, and I know I’m not doing something morally wrong by getting my hair done or going out with my friends - it must not be ACTUALLY guilt. It’s just patriarchy’s way of keeping women confined to a very small and specific box.
I now have a new theory about where mom guilt comes from and it’s kind of a mix of both. ha. I was thinking about the concept that we feel guilt when our actions are out of alignment with our values, and that gave me the opportunity to ask myself what my values actually are.
And I found something so interesting.
My whole life I had been taught that motherhood was my highest and holiest calling. I thought motherhood was the time I spent physically caring for my children. Therefore, I felt like I was doing something BAD or WRONG when I chose anything outside of spending physical time caring for my children 🤯
So I thought…what if I shifted my value just a little bit? What if instead of believing “my family is my number one priority” I believed “my relationship with my family is my number why priority”?
Subtle shift. Huge difference.
The relationship is the thing that matters. Being connected and loving over the long haul is the goal, not being present for every moment.
Short breaks from caregiving is not an abandonment of my value, it’s what allows me to be more connected to myself which inturn allows me to be more connected with my kids and husband.
How to test this in real life:
Notice the feeling and check in with what value may be triggering it.
Ask yourself: can I still have a strong relationship with my kids even if I do this?
Is it possible that doing this for myself could allow me to deepen my relationship with my kids in the long term?
Continue to question and test trying to find the balance between being selfish and selfless aka SELFFUL.
If you want more little tools and real-life examples of this, come say hi on Instagram.
XOXO, Han
